Recently, I’ve been reflecting on a peculiar and rather ironic trend I keep noticing in the world around me: the lines between self-love and selfishness are becoming increasingly blurred. We seem to be living in a culture focused more and more on self-care and self-love, yet loving one’s self in the way that the culture encourages tends to lead to a life filled with pride, vanity, and mindless consumerism. Knowing this, and trying to reject it, can lead us to swing too far in the opposite direction, falling into self-loathing instead. Both of these mindsets are deeply harmful, not only to ourselves but also to everyone around us, for each person is called to “love their neighbor as their self” (Matthew 22:39), and we cannot hope to love our neighbors in the way that we ought unless we first know how to love ourselves properly. So how can you truly love yourself without being selfish?

The first and most important step in loving yourself is to know and believe your identity. You are a beloved son or daughter of God, and you are deserving of love. While you may feel wretched at times (indeed, we are all more wretched than we know), the sins you have committed are like a tiny spark of flame, completely overpowered by the enormous ocean of God’s merciful love for you. If you don’t feel worthy of it, you are simply recognizing the reality of our fallen human nature, but fortunately for all of us, God’s mercy doesn’t ever take our worthiness into account! You are a creature, created by God, to love and to be loved, and this is an essential part of your identity. Your actions, good or bad, do not change God’s love for you, and they shouldn’t change the amount of love you give yourself, either.

Another essential part of your identity to remember is that you are a steward of Creation, and a steward of your own life. Nothing you have is actually your own; it all came from God, and will one day return to God. Part of loving yourself, therefore, includes wisely taking care of what has been entrusted to you, which includes your mind, your body, and your soul. Like the faithful steward of the parable, we are called to grow and develop our gifts, rather than neglect them: “Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a little, I will set you over much; enter into the joy of your master.’” (Matthew 25:23). If we treat our lives as belonging solely to us, on the other hand, and don’t take care of the gifts we have been given, we become like the steward who buried his talent in the ground, so that nothing came of it. Selfishness entails pursuing your own desires over and above the will of God. Ensuring that your spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional needs are met is not selfish, even though it may feel like it if you struggle with setting boundaries. Instead, you are loving both God and yourself by taking care of yourself and being a faithful steward of the gifts God has given you.

So what does this look like on a practical level? Love, in its essence, means to will the good of the other, and the highest good that you can will for yourself is Heaven. Placing God at the center of your life is the best way to love yourself, because only then will you be able to fulfill the purpose for which you were made: eternal life in Heaven with God! Placing God at the center of your life entails becoming a good steward of your life, and that is where the hard part comes in. Let’s face it: loving yourself is hard. I struggle with it, and everyone I know struggles with it, albeit in different ways. It’s a part of fallen human nature, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Even so, do your best to avoid falling into habits of self-destruction. Take some time today (if you can) to reflect on how you love yourself. Are there issues with your identity that you need to address? Are you keeping yourself physically healthy? Do you allow yourself to fall into lazy habits, or run yourself to the ground? Are you stimulating your mind in a healthy way, overtaxing it, or letting it rot? How is your spiritual life going?

Loving yourself without falling into selfishness or self-neglect can be a very tricky line to walk. It’s easy to fall onto one side or the other, but keep coming back to love as often as you can. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, keep God as the center of your life, and act as a good steward of the life God has blessed you with, in anticipation of hearing in the future, “Well done, my good and faithful servant!”