A while ago, I came across this diagram on the Internet. It’s a pretty simple visual, representing how a Christian marriage is supposed to lead both spouses to God. Naturally, being the STEM nerd that I am, I couldn’t resist diving a little deeper into it and adding some more layers of metaphor with the help of some math and physics. Don’t worry, you don’t need a deep understanding of either subject to appreciate it!

This is the basic diagram. In its simplest form, it consists of a triangle, with each of the three points representing God, a man, and a woman. This could be a husband and wife, or a couple who is courting or engaged. 

If you imagine that the two bottom points can slide along the lines, then it’s easy to see that the closer the couple gets to God, the closer they get to each other as well. While there are many factors that affect the level of attraction and intimacy in relationships, the basic premise is true for any Christ-centered relationship. If a couple is seeking God together, they will be united further in His grace and better equipped to navigate the challenges that they encounter in life.

Now, here’s my updated diagram:

At a glance, it doesn’t look much different. The two sides of the triangle are a bit longer, but other than that, not much has changed. This small change is significant, though, because I’m about to add some physics. 

If you’ve taken a high school or college physics class, you may remember learning about free body diagrams (and may shudder to remember them). If you don’t remember much about them, which is completely understandable, here’s the basic idea. An object can be represented by a point. The direction and magnitude of force that is applied to it can be represented by an arrow leading away from that point. Long arrows represent stronger forces, and short arrows represent weaker forces. If the force is acting in a diagonal direction, that means that it’s going a bit upwards and a bit sideways, so you can break down a diagonal arrow into one upwards arrow and one sideways arrow, a bit like this:

Now, when we apply this to the triangle metaphor, we can add a deeper layer of meaning. Imagine that the sides on this triangle are physical rods, the dots are physical balls that can move along the rods, and the arrows on the dots representing the man and the woman are pieces of string. If you pull upward on the vertical string, the ball will shoot upwards quite fast, and will quickly reach the top. If, however, you pull on the horizontal string, it will take much more time and effort to get the ball to the top.

This plays out in our relationships as well. God created us as His children, to know, love, and serve Him with our whole beings. Our primary vocation, therefore, is to live out this call, and to ultimately achieve eternal life with Him in Heaven. Marriage is one way of living out one’s secondary vocation, in which a husband and wife are called to lead each other and their children closer to God as well. The third, or tertiary, vocation is one’s occupations, like jobs, or service work, or other roles in life that a person occupies. When any of these vocations are prioritized in the wrong order, all three of them begin to suffer. For example, if you find yourself too busy to pray, you choose to cut yourself off from the source of grace and spiritual strength to overcome all the challenges of your job, causing you to become more easily frustrated, which can lead to more arguments within your family, and the situation devolves from there. Now, in the diagram above, imagine that instead of representing external forces, the arrows represent the force of one’s motivation and intention. A properly ordered Christian marriage (or relationship, if the couple hasn’t gotten married yet) is focused primarily on loving God by loving the other person. This is represented in the diagram above by the vertical arrows being longer than the horizontal ones, signifying a stronger force. With the goal of Heaven in mind, it is easier to forgive little imperfections in the other person, and easier to improve one’s own imperfections as well, leading to a happier relationship. When a couple tries to have a strong relationship without keeping God at the center of it all, motivations for love become weaker, and though maintaining a healthy relationship is not impossible, it can be much harder. The difficulty of growing closer to God in this state is just like the difficulty of pulling only the horizontal string in the analogy of moving the ball up the slope. They may make some progress, but it will take much more time and effort, and a lot of spiritual struggle. If, on the other hand, the couple prioritizes their relationship with God over their relationship with each other, they will be able to lead each other to Heaven much more easily, and will have a happier marriage as a result! 

But what happens if there is an imbalance?

If one person is growing closer to God, and the other remains spiritually stagnant or even starts sliding backwards, the couple ends up growing further apart. When two people in a relationship don’t share the same values, rifts end up forming between them that begin to drive them apart if left unchecked. If one person has a sacramental, covenantal view of marriage, and the other has little interest in keeping God at the center of their relationship, then they will not be able to face the challenges of life with a united front, and they are probably going to run into more difficulties. This is a very hard situation to be in, especially for married couples. Navigating this scenario is beyond the scope of this blog, but resources such as this one can provide some assistance. 

Whether you are currently married, in a relationship, or still single, the truths behind this analogy are important to keep in mind. Keeping God as the focus of your relationship, and making sure you and your partner are spiritually growing at roughly the same pace, will lead to a happier, healthier relationship, and healthier spiritual lives as well. If you are still single, or just beginning to enter into a relationship, it is especially important to know the spiritual values of anyone you start to date, and to make sure you are on the same page about the importance of faith in your relationship. And in any stage of life, continue to pursue your primary vocation, seeking always to grow closer to God, and to grow in virtue, so that you may love others better, and ultimately achieve eternal happiness in Heaven!

For more articles on living a happier, holier marriage, check out these links: 

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/keep-it-together

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/my-marriage-wont-stop-bleeding